As a care taker by nature, it's often hard for me to ask for or receive help. It triggers feelings of incompetence, unworthiness, and guilt.
I've always found pride in doing things for others and myself. Maybe it was a survival lesson or habit I picked up as a kid, or maybe it was my adult ego believing and telling me I always do things better and faster. I liked to feel needed and plus, there's nothing worse than doing something for someone and them hanging it over your head down the road; so it was a sure fire way to avoid all of that.
But what I've realized in recovery is underneath all of that prideful arrogance is SELF CENTERED FEAR. Fear of not being worthy, fear of trusting, fear of someone getting too close.
Do you have a hard time receiving a compliment? Do you laugh it off, change the subject, belittle it? That's fear too. Yep. I've done it.
When my husband and I were getting married, a few girlfriends were putting together a bridal shower for me. I remember fighting against the traditional "opening of the gifts" in front of everyone. I finally obliged and after getting home, told my husband about it. You know what he said?
IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU.
He explained that in this life, weddings, birthdays, births, funerals, celebrations, whatever... isn't about just me (or us). It's an OPPORTUNITY to bring together those that love us and more importantly, ALLOW them to love ON us.
You see, this whole time I thought I was a burden. Getting in the way. Causing too much work or inconvenience for others. I always felt bad. Guilty. The IOUs would rack up in my head. But that was always just a lie I had chosen to believe.
Allowing others to serve me, compliment me, be THERE for me... well, is actually a gift TO THEM, not just me. And by me not allowing that is not allowing others to LOVE me. Ultimately, it puts a wedge between us, hurting myself and the other person.
So I've been working hard at allowing others in. I've started asking for help. I'm learning to take a compliment and allow it to float around me for a while, until it seeps in and feels good.
Letting others take care of me at times, is often JUST what I need. I can't be in charge, in control, the boss, or in the lead all the time. And honestly, I don't want to be.
This not only pushes people away, but I miss the opportunity to be filled up by others, and when I allow that to happen, I'm allowing others to be filled up too.
Letting go, even if it's just a little, brings me closer to the people I love, while allowing me to be more productive and grateful as a wife, mother and friend. I'm lighter, easier to be around, and far less stressed. Maybe things don't get done the way I would want. But often times, they are done waaaaay BETTER.
So tell me, are you struggling to ask for help today? And when you allow others to help you, do you feel guilty after?
Let's work together on allowing others in. Let's fight the shame voice telling us we aren't worthy. Let's learn to love others by allowing them to love and serve us. Try it today, and when you do, tell that shame voice to shove it.